Day 363: The Man and the Impostor; ‘Quill’

Oh No Baby

There is Man, there is Me, and then there is the Impostor. He’s a fairly new identity, and Impostorhe only comes out in one very particular circumstance and situation, and I don’t really like him, and for as much as I feel the end of the year and opening up my blog to friends and family and opening up my personal life more to the blog will create new opportunities, I also feel like this might be one of the last few times I get to talk about this.

Particularly because it has to do with a friend of mine. And I mean, who knows. Maybe no one I know will be interested enough to read all of this, but maybe they will, and I won’t have that comfortable mask of anonymity anymore. But I still feel like there’s so much more to gain from opening up than there is to keep this all private and closed for just one reason, one person.

I’ve mentioned before that my incurable addiction to love has in the past alienated pretty much all of the friends I had who were women. Either by dating them or not dating themSick and losing interest or trying and making it well you know, awkward, I really don’t have many female friends. That is to say, save for just one now. (That I regularly spend time with and see, as one of my best friends lives in Montreal with her husband so I don’t get to see her or them as much.)

But I’ve known this particular friend since college, when we met in our Public Speaking class (so much fun, I love to make people listen to me) and we went to the same clubs (Chinese Student Association and, for a time, fencing). So we’ve known each other for almost a decade now. Since then we’ve both gone through relationships and heartbreak, we’ve grown and changed, started careers, changed careers, we’ve traveled together in groups, had plenty of late night conversations about families and dating, and turned to each other for advice and guidance. We share much of the same interests and hobbies. If I need a second for a night of drinking, I know it couldn’t be any one of my friends but her. Exciting new restaurant that I want to share with someone who can talk ‘food’, her. Movies, constantly going out to watch new ones and sharing what our ‘must watch’ lists are and meeting up for the ones we both want to see. Aside from me she has the second highest sense of adventure and willingness to go beyond comfort zones in our group of friends. Recently I’ve been spending more time with her and her family, getting fairly comfortable and familiar with her brother and her mother, as we’ve gone out to see Cirque shows in the area altogether. Ever since college she and I have had this tradition at her expense. Whenever we go to a new restaurant, I always sneak away to tell the staff it’s her birthday. She gets so embarrassed having an entire restaurant sing to her, and I love watching her reactions. It’s made for some great photo opportunities.

So yeah…I think you know where this is going.

And I don’t want it to go that way.

This is maybe one of the first major decisions I make as Me, and not as Man. This isn’t about an experiment or blinders. It’s about not wanting to lose a friend. It’s about putting Chicken Runto work, in practice, what I’ve been so passionately and eloquently putting to quill and paper. And so I’ve had to do something so uncharacteristic. Yes, I’ll admit, more recently I’ve been thinking of her more. But for the first time I’m really trying not to do anything. Calmer, cooler, heads should prevail and for the most part, there is a huge part of me that knows nothing good can come of this, or more specifically, knowing her, and knowing me, nothing can come of it, period. Let’s just say her past relationship history will prove I’m really not her type. Not knowing really how to handle this, I don’t like the person I am sometimes when I am with her and others. I get jealous more easily, and unlike John Lennon, I’m not ‘just a jealous guy’. Jell-O doesn’t get jealous. It’s such a stupid and childish feeling in my opinion. And yet…we went to karaoke, and I got so jealous of how much she liked someone else’s song choices and wanted to sing with them. (I get a small sense of pride whenever she asks about a new song I’m listening to because she wants it as well.) In silly things like talking about ‘who can eat the most noodles’ I get jealous when she picks someone else. (In truth, I don’t think anyone wins at those.) When she messages me about seeing a movie together I get excited, and then disappointed and jealous when I see another one of her friends shows up as well. But then, I know there was no promise or indication otherwise. This wasn’t anything more than just going to see a movie. Yet I feel indignant, and I make myself distant and moody. I’ll sit purposely away from them because ‘I want to sit closer to the screen’. I’m trying soHorrible Person hard to deny these thoughts that a lot of times I have to make myself think of all her shortcomings and focus on those more. She’s honestly very terrible with time. But then, as a Filipino, so am I. Yet I know I am sometimes curt and brusque with her when she arrives. I have to calm and cool myself, but in the time it takes, I know I can feel myself sending off these harsh negative vibes. I create unnecessary tension that she, in her patience, lets me dissolve and bring it all back with some jokes. We’ve never actually missed anything because of her. I don’t like how I am when I’m trying not to like her. This isn’t me. And unlike when I am with someone I am attracted to and actually want to attract them, I often lack self-confidence, I feel like less than I am. I never feel less than when I feel myself in her eyes. Maybe again as a defense mechanism, that I focus on my own shortcomings as much as I try to focus on hers.

I can handle being a terrible person. I’ve been that before. But there is something about all this that doesn’t sit well, that unsettles me. And it’s that at times…I feel like a liar. An Officeimpostor. I didn’t write about this when it happened, but I did speak about it to my cousin, who I’ve shared a great deal with this past year. During the holidays my friend invited me to be her +1 to her company’s Christmas party.  Of course, I was more than happy to attend, and that wasn’t just because of the free food and open bar. I knew this was just two friends at a party, one there to help make the other feel less awkward. But I also knew in the context, that I could ‘pretend’ a bit more than usual. For the first time in all the years I’ve known her, I got to see her in a dress. She looked incredible.  At the party, I had more than  just a little bit of fun pretending to be her actual date, and sometimes I relished the joke for more than what  it was worth. There was a photo booth where you could take pics with different props and costumes, and I had fun posing there, with my arm around her, pretending. Around her coworkers and her supervisors I did my best to make her look good, being the fun and attentive date. I chatted up her group and got them laughing with my usual party self,  I’d always very cheekily enjoy getting another drink for her when hers was empty. ‘Oh no dear, you keep mingling  with your friends, I’ll get you another, boo.’ On the surface it was all just in good fun, but there was a part of me that did enjoy living that impostor’s life for a moment, but I knew I was lying, to myself and to her. I don’t like that feeling of always finding something when I know there isn’t anything there. I don’t want to always look, like this is some really badly written romance. I’ve mentioned that this month I’ll be going to the Eastern Traditional Archery PugRendezvous, and I’m very excited about that.  And I’ve off-handedly mentioned it to my friend, as we are both into archery, that she might want to attend and we could go for the weekend. I know I’d have a great time just going with a friend to make it easier and less awkward and at least I’d have someone to talk to before making new friends and trying to find new groups. But…is there a part of  me that sees more than just that in this opportunity? And am I not a liar for hiding that.  Don’t get me wrong. I am a decent and good human being.  I’d never take advantage or take some  opportunity that wasn’t afforded to me.  But just knowing I have these feelings to wrestle with, and knowing there is nothing to make her think such, and yet putting us in those situations, I feel like a liar.

The best thing I can say I’ve learned this past year to apply to this situation is that the previous me would have been foolish and brash, saying ‘you can’t pass this up, what if she’s the one!’ Knowing now that, there are plenty of ones out there. I know that there must be plenty of women out  there with the same or similar interests and backgrounds. I know that I could be equally happy with a great number of other people. And more recently I know that even then, there’s no guaranteeing that this type, this particular sort, would have led to anything more or less significant. I’m not fooling myself with delusions of destiny or fate. And a very practical voice is telling me a lifelong friendship is better than a brief glimpse of love. And for however much difficulty I may have in convincing myself not to feel for one person, I know it would be equally easier to find someone else to feel for. I just have to keep working this new muscle until it gets easier. And as I do, I hope I don’t keep hating the person I am in the process.

But man…she’s great. Hahah.

Day 363

Man: 330 Loneliness: 33

 

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15 thoughts on “Day 363: The Man and the Impostor; ‘Quill’

    • Yeah, I thought so too. So maybe that just means I’m on the right track of what kind of person I’m looking for. Hahah. If there’s a bolt of lighting out there for me, it hasn’t hit yet. It’s not here, and I’m not going to make a mess.

      Liked by 1 person

  1. Oh dear. Not to give you negative emotions or thoughts but, sometimes, it’s best that friends stay as friends. Like you said, a lifelong friendship is better than a brief glimpse of love. I ended up having feelings for my best guy friend and I hated myself for that. I thought that it was wrong and that it was best that we stayed as friends and nothing more. In the end, I told him everything and to my surprise he felt the same way, so we both agreed to stay as friends.
    Things got awkward and we don’t go out anymore, we don’t talk much either. We were always together doing everything together and now we only talk when we see each other or sometimes at school. It’s like we were never the bests friends and all because we had a little crush on each other. I still feel bad about it but oh well, what can I do? He’s the one that chose to be distant. A friend told me that sometimes, we develop crushes for people and that’s all it is, a crush. Most of the times, we get over crushes so maybe, that’s what you have, a little crush on her?
    Like I said, not to give you any negative thoughts or anything no, this is just what happened to me, lol. Plus, I’m still in my teens so I’m in that phase where I think I like everybody xD I hope everything turns out great for you. Just think about it, give it time, don’t pressure yourself and no worries, if she’s been your friend for a very long time, I doubt she would ever stop being your friend. 🙂 ^^

    Liked by 1 person

    • You’re a teenager and you’ve got all those hormones running around with no place to put them. Hahah. I’m an adult and that’s what whiskey is for. The danger is that when she and I hang out it almost always ends up a heavy drinking session and three beers, two cocktails, and a flight of whiskey in, I’m almost so tempted to say something. But I don’t, and always for the same reason. Not gonna risk or lose anything for what’s already working well.
      I think friendships sometimes just can’t handle that extra strain, extra pressure, and I don’t want to test it. But I can keep resisting saying anything stupid no matter how much I drink, and in return I always have a great drinking buddy. So I certainly can’t give that up, now can I? Hahah.

      Liked by 2 people

      • I guess you can’t give that up. Hahaha. Pressure is something that we all get and it can be tempting or make us feel desperate to do something but if you’re able to control it than that’s a good thing. I hope your friendship lasts for many years, sir. ^^

        Liked by 1 person

  2. They do say that there is no such thing as a close friendship with the opposite sex without some sexual chemistry at some point…….. it just depends how desperate we become to find love ❤️ We can think ourselves into any situation 🤔

    This post reminds me of how you wrote your earlier posts, 🤔 I wonder how much you have changed as a person in a year 😉

    Liked by 1 person

    • Yeah no you’re absolutely right! I so totally agree! A lot of this sounds exactly the same right? And in a way, that makes me happy. Like, it shows I’m still that silly stupid bleeding heart romantic. I think it’s good to see we can’t change who we are. I’m always going to want that great story, that wonderful romance. But let me put it this way. Aside from the liquid courage of everything I’ve drank tonight, and aside from all of these romancey mushy gushy feelings, I didn’t do anything stupid or regrettable out of desperation for love. So isn’t that a sign of change at least? I can’t change who I am, but I can change the tools I have to deal with it. And I’m more mature to want to preserve and choose friendship over risk. I’m smart to see what this really is, and even smarter not to act on something it isn’t. So instead, I just have a good time being a romantic and instead of acting on every impulse or desperation, I drive home drunk blasting and signing along to 90s dance music, like Vengaboys, Aqua, and Nsync. Hahah.

      Liked by 2 people

  3. “When she messages me about seeing a movie together I get excited, and then disappointed and jealous when I see another one of her friends shows up as well. But then, I know there was no promise or indication otherwise. This wasn’t anything more than just going to see a movie. Yet I feel indignant, and I make myself distant and moody. I’ll sit purposely away from them because ‘I want to sit closer to the screen’.”

    I need that ‘Oh no baby what is you doing?’ meme right about now…

    I actually have quite a bit of experience of living the other side of this. In fact, running into some issues tangentially related to it lately.

    Has there ever been anything? Ever? Sexual tension? Conversations? A kiss? Anything?

    Liked by 1 person

    • If you take another gander over at the post you’re going to see I added that ‘oh no baby what is you doing’ meme right at the top. It was a perfect idea for an addition, I couldn’t pass it up. I will have that man’s soothing curious voice in my head now before I ever do anything potentially stupid.
      It’s SOOO ridiculous I know. BUT in my defense that happened like, once or twice. NOW I automatically assume other people or coming, or really, I should say I assume nothing of anything, and I’m much more…flowy. Flowey. Flow-y. I didn’t mention this anywhere in the post, BUT you do make a good point that it’s selfish of me to just think of what’s going on on this side, because it could also be causing a lot of stress or whatever to the other person too. Especially if it gets out of control. SO that’s definitely something else to consider and again, not to put someone in that kind of position. So, sorry you’ve been having issues with that and in your honor I’ll swear not to put anyone else through it either.
      I’m very bad at reading moods or signs or any such sort. I was in Vegas with my friends on a trip. At the casino one night I’m chatting with this really pretty young girl at the roulette table. And she’s like, really into finding out which hotel I’m staying at, what kind of room I had, if it was nice, what kind of furniture, how long I’d be in Vegas, if we all had our own rooms, and at the end I return to my dumbfounded friends and go ‘wow, that girl was really really into hotels’. The point I’m trying to make is, I don’t think there’s every been anything of anything. Either way, I know nothing’s going on, I’m ready to just shift and look somewhere else, I’m just pumped like, I might have made my first smart major decision when it comes to not lighting a bag of crap on fire. Hahah.

      Liked by 1 person

      • Haha great! Friendships that have ended because of unrequited interest always leave me feeling heartbroken and upset. I also have never been the one to pull away even when things got awkward, its always been the other person not being able to “handle it” so your story of the cinema just made me worry!

        Not that this happens regularly. But it’s happened.

        That Vegas story confused me because now I can’t decide if there might be signs but you’re completely oblivious so we’ll never know, or there are no signs but you might see ones that aren’t there. 🤔

        Liked by 1 person

        • Yeah don’t worry about the movies anymore. I’m a grown ass man, and I just had to remind myself a couple times in the past to act like it.
          Regardless of what the truth may or may not be. There are two things I figured. The first is, no matter what, I’m not going to look for, or see, any signs because it’s just a really really bad idea. And, I might be getting better at it with extra practice and awareness, but my ‘sign sniffer’ is definitely still very very much off. Like, if you grow up next to a shit factory, you’re gonna always think shit smells like home. But it’s not. It’s just shit. So retraining that sense.

          Like

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