It has become increasingly apparent that I am very quickly becoming an Angry Old Man.
Yesterday, while everyone was losing their damn minds over the 4th of July and fireworks and BBQ and cover bands and jets and everything else ‘Merica, Fuck Yeah’ I just stood around making a mental tally of all the things that make me irrationally (yes I am aware it’s irrational) angry and realizing the list is just way too high for a normally functioning 27 year old.
I’m generally a very easy-going and laid back person. I wasn’t always, that’s for sure. But I’d like to think for the most part I’ve cooled down. My default state is very much like Jell-O. As a person or thing, I am very flexible, malleable, relaxed, and, unfortunately, jiggly. Now, leave me alone, and I will be soft and smooth and bouncy and all kinds of good juju. But I’m very susceptible to my environment. Start jumping up and down and disturbing the peace and I’ll get all jumpy and jittery and start shaking and wiggling. Can’t help it. I’m weak to external stimuli. But again, remove me from that, or remove that from me, and we’re all cool baby.
I’m not entirely sure what listing some of the biggest major offensives of the previous day will do. On the one hand, maybe I can seek some validation and reassurance that I’m not the only person whose blood boils at the sight or sound of some of these things. On the other maybe calmer, cooler heads can teach me their ways. And yet on the other hand of this three-handed monstrosity, sometimes it’s just cathartic. In the same way that some people love to watch sad videos for the sole purpose of feeling some sort of deep emotional release, it’s kind of nice to vent irrational anger towards people who will never even know I’ve killed them a thousand times in my dreams.
- Guys with man buns – This has got to be the dumbest thing a man can put on top of his head. I’m not going to lie, a thousand immediate assumptions about lifestyle and life choices are made when I see a guy with a man bun. I don’t even really like seeing buns on women. When I see a girl in a bun my mind thinks ‘she’s not trying’. It’s a school teacher or work night kind of decision. I get that at least. When I see a man in a bun I think ‘he’s trying too much‘. We all know you want attention. Just want to grab those scissors and…deep breaths, Man. Deep breaths.
- (Young) guys in fedoras – Huh. Okay so maybe I spoke too soon. As a guy I’ve spoken a few times briefly and sporadically here about my opinion of the sartorial choices of my fellow brethren. Particularly that like, early 20s to mid 30s generation I’m kind of smack dab in the middle of. There are a lot of misguided guys out there who I genuinely sincerely hope are trying but just aren’t quite getting the right information or guidance. But the whole fedora thing…that was a choice. I’ve yet to see the right execution of it on anyone most recently out of The Godfather. And I mean come on, this is Pacino we’re talking about. It took him to make it rock. Like I said, I’m not going to dishearten these young guys from trying something. But move on, because it’s not working. Unless you’re covering up a man bun. I will pluck every last hair on your head if I have to.
- Yelpers – I’ve written four Yelp reviews in my life, total. And believe me, I’ve eaten at more than four stellar restaurants. Hell I’ve eaten at more than four this past month. Whether good or bad though, I’ve only ever written reviews for places that I feel need it or have a particularly good story to tell. New restaurants that need some exposure and coverage, loyal family traditions that have stuck by us through and through, unexplored gems that deserve a write up, or soul crushing disappointments that I feel you need to save yourself from. But if a place is already well established, well-frequented, or deservedly abandoned and dying, there’s no point. But then I go to these fine restaurants that I enjoy and I can’t help but notice the table next to me. They’ve taken twenty photos of the interior decorations, tableware, floor, every nuance. They order twenty items for their table of four, completely ignoring the recommendations of their server on what their specialties are. I watch the food get cold and stale as they labor over every single one, taking photo after photo in different positions, lights, etc. They have nothing to say about the food, but plenty to say about what to write in their reviews. And that’s a very important distinction I want to make. You can write about food, or you can review a restaurant. Two very different things. They’re looking around, wanting to write about review ‘buzzwords’ like ‘ambiance’ and ‘vibe’. They care about the presentability of a dish like I’ve never seen anyone care about something. Restaurants are notches in the belt to them.
- People who use speakers instead of headphones – When did we as a collective society decide this was okay and decent to do in public?! Have we not seen the impressive and amazing advancements made in headphone technology? We invented active noise canceling headphones to drown out the noise of the outside world so you could listen to your music in peace. When they got too big we invented tinier headphones and now we even have wireless air…ear…i…buds…pods…? But like rubber band it seems the further we pushed personal hearing technology the faster and harder it snapped back and now we’ve got one giant sweltering hell of a mark in the form of people walking around listening to their music either on speaker phone or, god help us all, I’ve even seen some people with the audacity to connect them to Bluetooth speakers. This should not have ever been a thing.
- Rainbow colored this, bacon wrapped that, cheese blasted what have yous, or any modern food trend – This might shock you considering this is really just one bad relationship off from being primarily a food blog, but I actually can’t stand whenever I see ‘you have to try/eat/see/order this’ articles, pictures, and videos. Because inevitably what I see is something I absolutely don’t want to try/eat/see/order. I relate the rise of these particularly annoying new food trends to two things. The first is the aforementioned ‘presentability’ or ‘Instagrammable’ness of dishes and the second is that honestly, I think people have gotten bored with food. Every annoying food trend I’ve seen seems to me like the result of a chef who was bored of making the same food over and over and decided then to increase its viral photo potential. There are good chefs out there making new flavors, new dishes, new anything. But instead we just see foods becoming bigger, cheesier, baconier, or you know, just green or yellow or something. That’s how we end up with neon colored nightmares like rainbow EVERYTHING foods now and impractically piled high milkshakes and this burger cheese abomination.
- Mason jars – One word. Hipsters. If you’re making jams or preserves or doing something, you know, a mason jar is necessary for, fine. But I don’t want to drink my cocktail, or eat my cake, or string up lights made of, mason jars.
- People who anthropomorphize their pets – Specifically, people who consider pets their ‘children’. Nothing loses my respect for you quicker than watching you baby talk an animal. I don’t mind caring for your pets. Or even treating them like family. But maintain some dignity, and some separation of the species. One of my best friends got a new baby bunny with his girlfriend. It’s cute. Fun to pet. But then they asked me if I might want to be its ‘godfather’. I couldn’t nope out of that quick enough.
- Whole Foods – Just the entire entity itself. Believe me, Whole Foods doesn’t care about the food you eat or what you put into or onto your body. The $20 bananas and biodegradable cardboard boxes that taste better than the salad bar food you put in them can attest to that. I assure you, Whole Foods is all about knowing how to prey on your need to feel good about yourself. It’s like if your actual local farmer’s market left the food behind and grew smugness.
That felt good. I feel better. I’ll be honest with you all, I always knew I’d end up an Angry Old Man. I figured cultivating and developing an overall peaceful demeanor would help to buffer it but more and more outside sources are poking the beast. I just thought I’d have more time.
And if not, hopefully I’ll be a funny, angry, old, man.
Man: 328 Loneliness: 33