Day 346: The Man and the Loneliness of Context; ‘Relieved’

When I was a travel agent, we used to have these ‘fam’ (short for ‘familiarization’) trips that resorts would invite us to go on to, you guessed it, familiarize ourselves with their properties, the room categories, quality of food, ambiance, basically anything that they wanted to highlight so that when we returned full of free food and booze, we would do anything to promote them to our clients. Aside from a spirited propaganda talk from an overly cheerful representative on the first day and an excruciatingly detailed site tour the second, these four to five day trips were really about blending in and experiencing the best the resort had to offer (plus the surprise goodies and occasional room upgrades).

Often times though there was one very important caveat. These fam trips were always small groups of no more than five or six agents, and we were always bound by terms that under no circumstances could we let guests know we were agents visiting by invitation. For the others, this was never really a problem. Salespeople are often pretty sociable by default, so other agents would quickly bond and spend the entire week together and no one would ever be the wiser. But, being the loner (outcast) that I am, I’d rather explore and experience the resorts on my own. Answer to no one, eat where and when I wanted, drink where and when I wanted, and all that. This would often raise some eyebrows or elicit some good-natured but inquisitive questions from the staff. ‘Table for one’ sounds a bit…strange when you’re at a resort surrounded by couples, too lost in each others eyes’ to appreciate the all-inclusive grub.

Usually I’d just take take this opportunity to have some fun with strangers, see what kind Lonely Table.gifof reaction I’d get. Maybe I’d give them a mild reason, like my girlfriend was jetlagged or feeling sick and resting in our room. I almost always used the ‘bedridden girlfriend’ excuse to explain why I was getting three or four plates of food wrapped up to bring back to my room. (It was just for late night snacking. It was always just for late night snacking.) If I felt up for it, sometimes I’d go overboard, and tell them how my ex-fiancee left me at the altar but the honeymoon was non-refundable. What seems the most strange and most significant to me though is that, regardless of what the excuse actually was, the fact that I could at least give them some context to my alone-ness seemed to make them feel…relievedI seemed to realize that, at a certain point, people wanted to know why I was alone not for my benefit, but for their peace of mind.

Even on my most recent trip to Canada, I can distinctly remember certain encounters that revolved around the enigma of a lone traveler. At one restaurant, the waitress was absolutely flustered and confused when I told her she didn’t need to place the other setting. I felt so bad, she seemed really intent on using the second set of fork and knife and glass too. She must really not be used to us lone wanderers. With all earnestness, the poor woman actually looked me in the eye and actually asked me if I would like her to remove the second seat. Bless her heart. No, that’s alright, I can handle the empty seat and constant reminder. I’m dining alone, not a lonely diner.

Humans are social creatures. There’s no denying a simple, foundational, universal trait. Humans are stronger, and happier, when in communities. We were designed to hunt and farm and travel in packs. In a way, I can understand that instinctual, biological, primal reaction to solitude. But to be fair, I think we also used to hunt, skin, and carve every wild animal we ran into so…we can outgrow certain things. Could it be though, that this desire to contextualize or investigate why someone would be by themselves, is because we are still harboring that fear of solitude? When you see someone by themselves, what goes through your mind? When I tell my mother of how I always eat by myself when I travel, or go to the movies by myself, or do anything really, she says how she’d be too afraid to do this ‘because it seems sad’. I know what she means. She doesn’t mean doing things alone seems sad. She means doing things alone would make her seem sad to those who saw her.

I used to feel that way, and I won’t deny that sometimes when I look out into a crowd somewhere and see those few lone figures I might still wonder and try to place them into some sort of fitting context. Maybe it’s a work meal, or their SO has just stepped out. There are a few places I try not to go because of what I think might be perceived. I try not to eat at cheap Chinese buffets alone. I don’t know, maybe that sounds weird, but in my mind I perceive it like, here’s someone who is alone, has no one, and so has decided better to grab some cheap simple grub and stuff himself than cook a meal for one. Again, that might just be because of personal context, but I do wonder if maybe we all have those certain things we’re too hesitant to try and take on on our own not because we can’t, but because  of the context of others.

I really think being alone isn’t anyone’s default setting. I think there are definitely those who are more accustomed to, or more inclined to, it more than others, but whether it’s No Friends.gifthe company of one or a thousand, I think we all crave it in some way. But I see a lot of articles online, often times written by women, about the joys and pleasures and strengths of living alone. Always trying to legitimize and justify that lifestyle, as if any of us were in any position to judge. But we do, sometimes, don’t we. We put things, reasons, excuses, context, on these encounters. ‘S/he hasn’t found the right one yet’, ‘s/he could never live like that forever’. Whether it is out of a fear of the unknown or a personal insecurity or an honest to goodness genuine care that no soul should ever wander alone, we see the solitary figure as a standout, an anomaly. Sometimes, the world reacts positively. I’ve definitely experienced wait staff become more friendly and courteous and conversational, or people on the street be more helpful. Sometimes, the world seems repulsed, suspicious, like an ‘unwanted’. Statistically, men who post pictures of themselves with groups of friends along with solo pics in their online dating profiles receive more matches than men who post only  pictures of themselves. As if to imply ‘if the world didn’t want  him, why should I’.

Like how a man whose resume has a streak of unemployment lasting too long, I wonder, as the year grows closer to its end, if now, before, or after, people will have tried to contextualize why someone like me, in relationships for so long, suddenly stopped.

Day 346

Man: 313 Loneliness: 33

9 thoughts on “Day 346: The Man and the Loneliness of Context; ‘Relieved’

  1. A very thought provoking post, my ex used to get very offended when he lived alone ( for years) when he went in to a restaurant and was asked “table for one sir”. He would say, “well I don’t see anyone else”. I bet they used to think I’m not surprised with that attitude 😏

    I think it shows great confidence to see a man sitting alone dining I think too many people stay in bad relationships out of fear of being alone. 😃

    I bet being a travel agent was a great job. I too prefer to do things my own way rather than follow a crowd.

    Hmmm you have provoked my thought 😉 now I’m beginning to analyse you again, be afraid, be very afraid 😳

    Liked by 1 person

    • I never thought of it that way. Oooh yeah that would burn. I guess as long as it never gets to the point where people actually want to naturally assume you’re alone, you’re okay. What would a guy have to do, be, look like, etc, for that assumption? Hahah. Must have bothered him a great deal.
      You know, I wonder why dining seems to be the number one activity people hate to do alone. I do a lot, most things nowadays really, by myself, but it’s always the eating people can’t seem to comprehend. Hahah.

      Liked by 1 person

        • I definitely used to feel that. But as I did it more often I got more comfortable taking my time. I think people naturally eat faster when they’re alone because they’re not stopping to converse or look across the table. But now I slow down because I get to savor the dish and appreciate the presentation and remind myself to people watch, look around, and be part of the ambiance.


  2. What happens when you reach day 365?

    On one hand, I think learning to be comfortable with yourself is always a good idea, and on the other hand if I see someone who has been alone for years and years and years… I think they are afraid. After a certain point the scales tip from learning to be comfortable alone, to becoming too used to be alone, and I think it becomes harder to compromise after that point.

    I have an aunt who, after a huge heartbreak, never dated again. Still hasn’t to this day. It makes me sad for her because I don’t think she actually enjoys being alone. She likes being able to discuss movies with people watching them with her, she likes to go to art museums, and get dressed up, and look nice. She gets extremely lonely if people don’t call round. She would make a great partner for someone and I really believe she would be happier with company… but it’s been so long. I don’t think she would be able to make the compromises necessary to let somebody else into her life. She’s used to being able to do everything the way she wants 100% of the time. As well as which… I don’t think she would ever open herself up again to even the remote possibility of the world of hurt her ex put her through.

    Now I’ve gone off on a tangent. I think what I was trying to get at is that I never think anything of it if I see someone sitting alone in the cinema or at dinner, but I do think something of it if I get into a conversation and the person tells me they haven’t been in a relationship in ten years. My gut reaction is, “This person is afraid.” I may not know what they’re afraid of – heartbreak, commitment, whatever – but that’s my reaction!

    Liked by 1 person

    • Yeah after 365…I show my face. Hahah. That’s the lightest change. In short, the blinders go off. But that’s actually almost entirely tomorrow’s post, so excited to write about MvL post-365.
      Compromise and knowing how to be able to live with someone else is like any other skill that needs constant practice and tuning. Sorry to hear your aunt went through such a bad experience it made her too afraid to try again. I think you’re right that at a certain point, you go past the point of no return where the fear isn’t being alone but not knowing what to do when suddenly you aren’t. I think some red flags should go up when it becomes really excessive like that too.

      Liked by 1 person

  3. Pingback: Author Interview – Sarah Fader – CEO of Stigma Fighters and author of “#ThisIsWhatAnxietyFeelsLike: When you think everyone hates you & so much more” | toofulltowrite (I've started so I'll finish)

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