Day 241: The Man and the Swarm of Nerves; ‘Swarm’

Jesus Christ that had me nervous. Haven’t had my heart pounding like that in a long time. I think the greatest fear I had was not that she wouldn’t be supportive or anything, but that she would take this to mean I was a flight risk and try to get rid of me first. I wish I could say that this would have been a completely irrational and baseless fear but…knowing my boss and the company, it really isn’t. Let’s face it, nowadays the relationship of trust and longevity between employer and employee is just nonexistent. Gone are the days when a man could loyally, securely, and prosperously come to work for the same company his entire life and retire with a party and a gold watch. I don’t think it’s entirely companies’ fault though. Somewhere along the line there must have been a very serious disconnect between what employees needed out of their employers and what employers felt they were responsible for providing to their employees. We wanted competitive salaries, job security, and benefits. We got bean bag chairs, free drinks, and Taco Tuesdays. What I wanted to firstly portray to my boss when I sat down with her was that this request for some new position, a better role, more involvement and therefore more pay, was coming out of a place of satisfaction and loyalty. This was not an ultimatum. At least, not yet. I was worried my boss would take this as a threat and rather than negotiate or try and help, she would nip it in the bud and get rid of me. After all, this is why if you are ever looking for an external job opportunity while employed somewhere, it is almost always exclusively recommended to not allow potential hirers contact your current workplace. No one wants someone on their payroll they feel would be a flight risk.

Luckily I got that through very very quickly and clearly. I would be more than happy to stay in the same company and continue my path here but I do need to take the next step. Of course, I mentioned Canada. But, explaining my situation (no debt, no place of my own, no real ties here), I wanted to be open to anything and everything, everywhere. Wanted to check with her schedule first to make sure I didn’t swarm her before a meeting or something.

‘Firstly, I want you to know that this comes from a place of love.’

Thought I’d start on a humorous note. Luckily she got the joke because that line was just really awkward and cringey but it’s fun to lean into the curve like that.

I told her I’m happy, but I’m starting to look for new opportunities and new involvement. And while I’m not writing now about being shipped off to Canada, I did get a few glimmers of hope.

First off, Canada is in fact in serious need of training and development. Unfortunately, they just don’t have it in the budget to create a brand new position and add a new person. And the person they do have, struggling as she might, is still going to be the face of change up there. But, because they do need help, they will be sending us (me) there in the near future. So I do get to go, just not permanently. Still, company funded travel. I’m game.

Second, with all of the extra workload of helping Canada, there is room in the budget for us in our department for more pay, and my boss did allude to the fact that it would be coming to us (pending approval), but not starting until July (after fiscal year, which makes sense). So in my current position it wouldn’t be much, but there would be a slight increase if I just stick it out four more months.

Third, though she did say she would be sad to see me go and she did vouch for the contributions and skills I give to the department, she is in full support of me looking on our internal job posts for US and international positions. She has said she would have no problem if I were to start looking and seeking positions on my own within the company, which I am currently doing right now. Hahah. Hey that’s US, Canada, UK, South Africa, Hong Kong, China, Philippines, New Zealand, and Australia. I mean someone’s gotta want me, right? God it’s relationships and dating all over again, isn’t it? Hahah.

So it’s on me now. The responsibility and pursuit of opportunity is solely on my own volition. So I’ll continue to search outside and in for something, but it’s good to know I can’t simply rest on my ass anymore and get out there to grab whatever it is looks the juiciest off the branches.

Day 241

Man: 208 Loneliness: 33

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