Day 227: The Man and the Half-Baked Mentality; ‘Glitter’

Over the weekend I ran into not one, but two girls from my past. They weren’t exes or anything, but these were people I used to know backmorning-face in high school who I may have flirted with every now and then. They were underclassmen and we were in the same clubs so we’d see each other every other weekend whenever we were doing club activities. Funnily enough I saw them on separate occasions, one on Saturday and the other on Sunday. From having not seen them in like ten years to back to back in the same weekend. On Saturday I had just gotten out of practice and was going to buy a new video game to feed my obsession. But this meant I was smelly, in sweaty post-exercise clothes, and also hadn’t shaved yet. Ugh. And on Sunday I was cooking for my family who had just gotten back from the Philippines (and brought this lovely cold I now have as a souvenir) when I needed to run out to our local Asian market for some last minute ingredients. Jeans, a house shirt with some silly Filipino pun on it, my ‘no one is going to see me’ glasses (I don’t wear my contacts at home), and a wildly unkempt head of hair. So, yeah. Talk about feeling unprepared.

But I gotta tell you, you know, it wasn’t feeling physically unprepared to see them that bothered me. I’ve seen, and been seen in, worse. But mentally, mentally I was so unready for that. The one on Saturday, she saw me first so there was nowhere to run or hide. So I had to grin and bear it and do the catching-up small talk expected of productive normal members of society. On Sunday I saw her first and was so mentally not at ease with the situation that I ducked and hid between aisles as I furtively grabbed whatever it was I needed and tunnel-visioned at the register. Didn’t look left or right lest a wandering eye might fall on her and hers on mine.

That really took me by surprise; I didn’t think I’d be running and hiding like a shy little ramsay-rawschoolboy with a schoolyard crush. Here I am, working towards bettering myself, talking about these big ideals and plans and self-realizing and reflecting and all that jazz, and this ‘opporunity’ if not for love at least for interaction comes my way and I avoid it like the plague. I couldn’t shake the feeling of being ‘unfinished’. That’s what kept coming up in my mind whenever I was thinking about those interactions. I was an ‘unfinished’ product. Like taking something out of the oven too soon. It’s ruined if you rush it.

I guess that just kind of comes with the territory of having to admit to yourself that you may have a problem. I had a problem with love and relationships and being secure with myself to be okay either in or out of one, and because I set out to fix it, until it is, I began to see myself as someone ‘under construction’. I’m not the kind of person to broadcast my intentions or plans, really. I think I’ve mentioned that before on here. I much prefer to keep all that to myself and only talk about it once it’s done and I am successful. I don’t need the encouragement or seek the validation and I don’t like to post ‘progress’ or set myself up for that kind of accountability and potential for failure by getting everyone involved. That’s why almost no one in my actual private personal circle knows about this blog or what it is I’m trying to do. I want to just emerge from the year a better, wiser, stronger person and let people know what I’ve done and how I’ve done it, after I’ve done it.

bread-baking

Of course, this also means that during the process I might not be able to shake this ‘half-baked’ mentality and will feel even worse when I run into people. I’m suddenly scared and insecure in the face of possibility or potential before finishing this process. At the same time though, I wonder what exactly is supposed to happen at the end of the year. Do I dare be so bold as to say ‘I’ve done it, I’ve completed the task, I am finished‘? Will I at the very least feel completed enough to be confident enough to look a woman in the eye when I’m interested. Will I feel like enough of who I want to be to think of being who someone else might want also.

I will admit, I feel lonely. It’s not a bad thing per se. I am living a completely satisfactory life and I am, to a certain extent, content. Currently I am working on improving myself, stick-a-forkmy career, and my interests (like writing). They keep me busy and engaged throughout the day but still leave me time to relax, reflect, unwind, and indulge. But at a certain point, I would really like to have someone to be with. I just feel unfinished, unprepared, and unable at this point to be able to pursue that. I didn’t think I would feel this way. I thought during the year I’d simply turn it off, like a switch, and go about my day. It was just a somewhat humbling shocker to have these sudden chance encounters and realize that you can’t turn that desire, that want, off. You remove yourself from it, try to prepare for it, but life is unpredictable and you never know who you’ll run into at a grocery store. I’m not saying that at the end of the year I’ll be all wrapped up with a pretty bow and glitter will burst out when you open me up, but I’d like to think, hope to think, that at the end of it all I will be more confident again, more prepared, more willing. Come see me again and I’ll still try and chat you up in shorts, flip-flops, and a torn shirt. Hahah.

Day 227

Man: 194 Loneliness: 33

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17 thoughts on “Day 227: The Man and the Half-Baked Mentality; ‘Glitter’

  1. Hi! That always happens, Murphy’s law I think. Any day I’m not up and presentable is when I get a call out of the blue. At least you made contact and possible date? Just think how impressed she’ll be when you show up prepared to dazzle.😉

    Liked by 2 people

  2. This is me, wondering out loud…er…in message. Can one think about something so much that it undermines any good that they’re trying to achieve? If you write and suggest that you’re unfinished and you believe it, whether it is true or not, does it not become part of your psyche? And, my bet is that most people most of the time, if they even consider anything like self-evaluation (not a guarantee), probably feel unfinished. And, if a person does feel “finished,” what are they admitting to themselves? Hopefully we’re all a little half-baked, still baking, and maybe in need of icing…until that day when we can’t bake anymore. (heh, that metaphor was half-baked)
    Just some thoughts. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    • I think you’re right. Self-fulfilling prophecy or something like that? I’m shooting myself in the foot, regardless of what good and what change I may be able to cultivate in myself, if I’m sabotaging my chances by feeling too incomplete. Thanks for the good insight. There’s no switch at the end of the tunnel. Just hopefully courage enough to go out in the state I’m in and improve but also jump back into what I’ve been avoiding.

      Liked by 1 person

      • Yes! I think just from reading your blog over the months that you are self-aware and self-examining enough to come away from the experience with a lot of knowledge. Sometimes the bumps in the road feel like larger hurdles when it’s a down day. But still: yay you! 🙂

        Liked by 1 person

  3. Wow, day 227. You’ve come far. .o. Proud of ya! Keep it up! ^^Anywho, don’t try to avoid them, that only shows your weakness to your situation of a year of being single. I recently ran into my ex boyfriend and his girlfriend and I didn’t even try to avoid them, I actually spoke to him.
    Don’t avoid people from your past no matter who they are or what relationship you had with them. A way to know that you are progressing is by not doing these type of things, by going out, running into someone and just not giving it too much thought. That’s a way that you can know if you’re growing as a person, at least in my opinion! I find that it is better to give them at least a little smile if you guys make eye contact, if not, just move on. I know it can be hard, it’s human nature to see someone you know and get a bit shy or try to hide, but just don’t, fight it. It’s worse if you hide and don’t confront yourself (or them). Look at it as little life obstacles that you must overcome. If you don’t overcome it, you will never advance. Plus, you have nothing to hide! Even if you were in a bad shape 😛
    I’ve been single for a year now. If I can do it, so can you. 🙂

    Liked by 2 people

    • Ahah. Thanks for the encouragement! I guess you’re right. I didn’t think of it that way. I could be all ‘look at how good I’m doing’ by going out and rocking it on my own. Hahah. Or something like that. Confidence can be disarming, and it can be one of the best ways to show you’ve moved on and are better/stronger. I think I want that, to be able to just be me, unabashed and unashamed, but I guess I felt unready to do so and I thought the sign of when I would be would come from some external thing. Like a countdown. But I guess we all knew it’s an internal thing huh.

      Liked by 1 person

      • No problem, and it’s okay, everything at it’s time! You will eventually come to the point in which you are ready and prepared. 🙂 Just remember that you learn from each experience and that makes you a stronger person!

        Liked by 1 person

  4. I would be worried if you did not still have thoughts about the opposite sex just because you have given yourself a year out! But J come on 😲 never go out looking less than presentable 😬 your ideal partner could appear before the end of the year! … and no she would not love you however you looked, not initially anyway. Personally I think you should start living again and stop being so rigid with yourself. When the time is right move forward and I would hope you will still carry on writing because it has been good for you 🌹

    Liked by 1 person

    • Rigid! Yes that’s a very good word for me. Hahah. I think you hit the nail on the head. I like my schedules and my routine and knowing what’s going to happen. Which is a problem though because the rigid schedule I have doesn’t leave much room for running into the love of my life. Hahah. The weather is getting warmer now and I’m starting to think of new activities and outlets I’d like to try. Maybe learn some new skills or go out and meet new groups of people.
      And don’t worry, I definitely think that my writing became less about the rules of my blog or my experiment and became a natural part of my day.

      Liked by 1 person

  5. i can so relate, but I don’t feel under construction, i feel under deconstruction, things falling apart. but I can tell you that when a good friend of mine persisted in trying to get me to come to a reunion with old friends and I finally gave in, it was one of the most gratifying days of my recent existence. my old friends were feeling the same way as me, and were surprised that i was feeling that way since in their eyes i looked good compared to them. it was, in fact, what kicked off my renewed versifying. we’re all really going through the same things at some point or other. and we all need a good laugh with friends!

    Liked by 1 person

    • I’ve always believed in playing the long game. I wasn’t by any means the star athlete of my high school days, but I figured if I just gradually kept at it, I’d get the satisfaction of the best high school reunion entrance. I think that would be great. Looks like you got to live the dream!

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  6. I absolutely hate running into people I know when I’m least expecting it… which is most of the time. I sympathise. Hopefully next time you can just own it and be like… “Hey. Yes, I’m wearing glasses and looking rumpled. But in a sexy way.”

    I haven’t managed to figure out how to do that yet but you seem more clued in than me so here’s hoping…

    Liked by 1 person

    • I don’t know if I’ve ever had the confidence to ‘sell’ it…but I definitely do think I can usually muster up the humor or the apathy to ‘own’ it. Hahah. I believe this might be what they mean when they say ‘fake it till you make it’.

      Liked by 1 person

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