Day 179: The Man and the Departure; ‘Gone’

So to start, wanted to say that I will once again be incommunicado from this Friday, January 6th to Wednesday, January 11th. I know, it seems like I’ve been in and out. These past few weeks get pretty crazy busy with me because Christmas, New Year’s, and my birthday are all exactly a week apart each. Yep, that’s right, Man will be turning….*drumroll*…are you ready?…27 on January 8th. That’s my birthday, that’s my age. (We will of course be celebrating with the late-great Elvis Presley, David Bowie, and Stephen Hawking.) I’ll be headed to Atlantic City with my family, but very soon after they will all three of them (my mother, father, and brother) be leaving me alone to spend two months in the Philippines. Ah, the luxuries of owning your own business and/or being a young, unemployed, recent college graduate.

Me, I will be back at home, living alone, normally ecstatic to the idea of having the house all to myself, with all of its normal inhabitants gone.

But circumstances are a bit different this year.

Last year my parents took my brother and his friends to Vegas for two weeks and I had the No automatic alt text available.house to myself for then. I loved it because Beautiful and I had just started our relationship and now here we were with an opportunity to basically live together uninterrupted for two weeks. We slept together, showered together, and cooked together (I made pasta from SCRATCH and ricotta cheese from MILK and we made ravioli like goddamn MARTHA STEWART). I also used the opportunity to have my annual winter hot-pot dinner/sleepover with my friends. That’s No automatic alt text available.always fun and it’s a great time to relax and let loose. Since everyone stays over we get to drink just a tad bit more than usual and we get just a tad bit crazier than usual. The hot pot is a great way to just keep eating all night and since we cook it in boiling water that we flavor with different Chinese pastes and spices, that technically counts as staying hydrated, no?

So what’s changed?

Yes obviously I am single, that’s the big one. I’m not lamenting not having Beautiful around, it’s more like that anxious feeling of FOMO. You know, Fear of Missing Out. Like, here I am, in the prime of my life, with this time of independence and freedom, and I don’t have anyone to spend it with or celebrate it with. These are the feelings I knew would show up eventually during the course of this year-long experiment. That feeling I can’t shake of ‘come on, Man, this is the time you’re supposed to be out there and enjoying yourself!’ The temptation, especially with Valentine’s a month away as well, has never been higher to get back on some dating site and just find someone to be with to not be with no one. Two months of the house all to myself and, if you’ll allow me this small primal indulgence, I feel like I should be having some company over to avail myself of such luxury and pleasure! Ugh. Is it such a terrible way to be, to feel? Hahah.

Take comfort and solace in the company of friends though!

Yes, I will still use this time to have another hot pot sleepover. I got some great new drinking games for Christmas that I cannot wait to play with my friends. But with our careers having taken us further out and with my one friend in the excitement and thrill of his new relationship and my birthday coming up, I can’t help but reflect on my friendships and connections and wonder if maybe I’ve grown out of it in some ways. I’ve seen some great blogs and great writers on here wrestle with their own friendships and feeling they’ve put in more than they’ve gotten or that their trust has been misused or taken advantage of. There’s been this inkling in the back of my head for a while that has taken deeper root in the past couple months, now that I’ve been spending more time reflecting and working out my thoughts.

I think, and strongly believe, that both this loneliness from lack of romantic relationships and doubt of friendship stem from the same thing. For a very long time now, (179 days perhaps?) I’ve felt starved of any strong, deep, emotional, and mental connection. I’ve known some of my friends since elementary school. We’ve been together for decades now (weird I can now afford to make that kind of distinction). But we’ve never really been able to talk about anything of substance. They are great for some drinks, some adventures, and to pass the hours shooting the breeze until 3 in the morning. But, devoid of so many of the life experiences and passions I have chased after all my life, we can’t speak to each other of the deep and profound and emotional and heart-wrenching moments and thoughts. I used to find all of that in my relationships. It was a happy balance of satisfying all the sides of my self by finding the right company in each. But now I am without relationships (but still happy and content, mind you, I am still strongly on this path) so I have to look on my friends and then I see and wonder, has our relationship, has our depth, has our conversation, never progressed past our student lives?

I never got a merry Christmas from any of them. Or a happy New Year. In October I wanted to watch scary movies and play scary games so I kept asking everyone to hang out and they canceled on me all month. I decided there are only so many rejections a man can handle before his pride and dignity are hurt so I took a break in November and decided to let them organize and call us all together to hang out. Instead I spent the entire month by myself because no one did. No one even noticed. I didn’t see them again until the Friendsgivingmas that I still was the one to organize a week before the date. I wonder if, left to their own devices, they’d ever try and reach out first. I’ve celebrated each and every one of their birthdays. I even took them to Atlantic City each time they turned 21. They’ve never organized anything for mine. I find myself today texting and reaching out and clamoring to try and organize something before I leave for my birthday trip to see them and go out for dinner.

Without a romantic relationship to rely on like a crutch, I have only my friends and family. My family will be gone, and so I only have my friends. And even then now, I wonder sometimes about the company I keep.

I’ll tell you what though, because I refuse to give this day to Loneliness. I’ll tell you what I’m gonna do the next two months. I’m going to play music really loud and sing to an empty house. I’m going to dance in my underwear through the halls. I’m going to cook some crazy-ass stuff I’ve been wanting to try but no one has tastes for. I’m going to roast bone marrow. Cook lamb. I’m going to use the MeetUp app and find local groups of board and card gamers and hang out with them a few weekends. I’m going to watch movies by myself. I’ll catch up on all the shows I’d been waiting to watch. I’m going to do all this because if I don’t I’ll drive myself crazy and because this will help me stay sane and still appreciate my boring but oh so lovable friends. Hahah. I’m gonna be okay in 2017. I’m gonna be okay at 27.

Day 179

Man: 148 Loneliness: 31

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41 thoughts on “Day 179: The Man and the Departure; ‘Gone’

  1. I often contemplate the lost art of keeping a friendship. It seems like as I get older, things get more complicated when it comes to friends. In retrospect, things were a lot easier when fighting over who got to be which ninja turtle was the biggest disagreement of the day. (I will always be Michelangelo, no matter what, OR I’M NOT PLAYING!) Yep. Good ol’ days when being stubborn and whiney actually got you somewhere!

    Liked by 1 person

    • Hahah. Yeah, for me it was the Power Rangers. I think you’re right in that people get more complicated and relationships become more complicated. But if the people you are with can’t keep up or bridge that ‘Power Rangers/TMNT to serious deep connections’ gap, it causes problems and it’s so much harder to maintain because well, you need more.

      Liked by 1 person

      • Lol, oh Power Rangers! I agree, a friendship fairs better when there’s a solid foundation. But I have also experienced what I thought was impervious, crumble with a soft breeze. Sometimes no matter what amount of care one side tries to put into maintaining the relationship, if it’s one sided, it’s only going to hold for so long. It’s painful and it sucks to drift away from people. I like your attitude though. I found that making new friends (even if they are more just acquaintances), can be really refreshing and help me learn things about myself I may not have experienced with the person I have history with. I hope lots of laughs and awkward adventures are in your future, cause really, that’s the fruit of life.

        Liked by 1 person

        • Yeah that’s the scary/disappointing part. To think, ‘what if I stopped trying’, and to put the impetus on them, I fear what the results would be. But I’ve got so much going on now, I’m learning and wanting and needing so much, I have to put more on them and let the relationship grow or die as it will.
          I think I’ll just focus on pursuing the things I like and finding people who share the same interests. So even if they’re just ‘billiards’ or ‘martial arts’ or ‘gaming’ buddies at least I’ll be doing the things I like and be surrounded by like people.
          Oh don’t worry, I will continue to pursue the awkward and the adventurous and the funny because otherwise, what stories would I have to tell! Hahah.

          Liked by 1 person

          • Good for you! Sorry if my words implied giving up on your friends – totally not what I meant! But I see by your response that you get it. You can do what you can do and feel good about your side of things. Sometimes people can get in a funk and come back around in time.
            Sometimes it’s nice to have buddies for certain activities, because it ends up freeing you for other adventures. After all, we know taking our “martial arts” buddy to go to the petting zoo can either be the best/worst decision ever. I can’t wait to hear all about it.

            Liked by 1 person

            • Oh it’s alright! I haven’t given up by any means. I’ve just decided to share some of the load of maintenance on them and let them step up to the plate. Hit or whiff it’s up to them now though.
              I don’t know…could be kinda funny. Either they start copying the animals in some weird ‘animal-fu’ or they start headbutting goats or wrestling alligators. Hahah.

              Liked by 1 person

  2. Remember you’re only 27. You are an exceptional “feeling” man and any woman would be lucky to date you. Give it time. And the friend thing? I know what you mean, it’s distance and family, and jobs, all making life so busy that people don’t take the time to sit quietly and talk like they used to. Texting is going to haunt us one day.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Happy almost birthday!! My birthday is this month too.
    I totally get you about the friend thing. I’ve been reaching out to some of my friends for months and they always seem too busy. I understand adulthood brings new responsibilities but I’m totally needy when it comes to communication and it’s tough. Here’s to two months of learning to love spending time with yourself. Like, if I’m honest, I’m better company than they are anyway. It’s pretty great not having to cater to anyone else’s preferences. 10/10 would be alone again.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. 😩Now I feel so bad for giving you a hard time in the past, this to me was the best post you have ever written and really explains your thoughts and feelings. You have a older soul in a young body. Your ready for love ❤️ now and I think with the right woman you would experience none of the issues you had with your former girlfriend, who personally I think you should stop calling beautiful.

    She was rather cruel texting you over the Christmas break and as much as you may not want to hear it I think she needs reassurance from more than her now boyfriend, imagine how he would feel if he knew she was texting you. A harmless text, safe text re Christmas but also an opening.

    It’s sad about your friends I too have been hurt by my friend this Christmas who is so into her man that she completely ignored me over Christmas but once they are both back at work she will be ringing me to tell me what a great time she’s had and how tired she is! I’m seriously at the point of ending the friendship now. People change and grow even at my grand old age of 59.

    You can never get back what you had, you can learn from it and remember the good bits then move on. But please do me a favour…. never mention again about dancing around in your underwear 😬 that is just a bit too much for me when I’m having my English tea and toast 😉

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Everyone is always about friendships that last for a life time. But friendships can and will be outgrown because people change and/or mature in different ways. A lot of times we hold on to old friendships for sentimental reasons. But the good thing is that reflecting on what you want and what you don’t want opens new doors for new friendships and new relationships. Just keep the positive attitude, you’ll be fine.

    Liked by 3 people

    • I’d love, be ecstatic even, if I could hang on to these dear friendships my entire life. At least in some form or other. I only wish that if I do start to seek something deeper and more meaningful they could find it in themselves to come along. I hope they reflect sometimes too. I hope they grow and think and feel. I just want to hear something from them that sparks some passion or fervor. Thanks for the encouragement. You’re right, the best I can do is continue to think about what it is I seek and want and work towards it.

      Liked by 1 person

  6. Oh I can so relate to everything you wrote. I had the same issue last summer, just for a much shorter time (2 weeks) – I lost the battle though. No relationship, no close friends to rely on and family on holidays. At first I thought I’d be fine, I’d do all the stuff I ever wanted to do, I’d have the entire house for myself… two days later I found myself sobbing under a duvet, feeling lonely as hell.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Oh jesus well that’s a bummer. Hahah. I mean I’m never opposed to a good sob session but like…that’s rough. I think a solid plan, and a good bottle of wine, and maybe a full Netflix queue should keep me going. I mean it’ll at least make things interesting and I’ll have things to write about!

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  7. You are the company you keep. Really? It’s a shocker your buddies and you don’t hang out much. I thought you guys there always have lots of free time. Or is it because I watch too many movies? Hahah.
    Your birthday is 3 days from now (PST) … You’re getting older. Haha!

    Liked by 1 person

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