Hope you’ve all had a great holiday. Maybe you’re still off from work, relaxing with a cup of coffee or recovering from all of the festivities.
I don’t get what it is about the holidays that makes people think it’s a good idea to dredge up the past.
If there was one thing I was dreading about the holidays, it would be that I would already be constantly batting away reminders and pangs of loss.
I love having love over the holidays. Somehow though the timing’s just never worked out. Hahah. Summer relationships grow ice cold. Winter romances somehow miss the countdown.
The last time was in college. It was the very first, and so far last, time I ever brought a girl over for the holidays. It was Beautiful, of course. We went, as we always do every Christmas, to my great-aunt’s house. Everyone was so excited to meet her, and she was so great. I prepped her before the visit, showing her pictures and names and relations. She did incredibly. Not that I had any doubts. She was always the light of the room.
I knew I was in love watching her at that party. She spoke with everyone, tried all the food, and if you’ve ever been to a Filipino party you can attest, that is always a LOT of food! I was laughing watching all of my relatives taking turns scooping more and more food onto her plate, but god bless her she ate it all. My relatives even actually got her some presents so when we were exchanging gifts she’d have something too.
We were together again on New Year’s and for once I actually had someone to kiss at the countdown. I had a reason to want to watch the ball drop, a reason to yell and shout and cheer at the end of the old and the beginning of the new.
To be honest I knew the holidays would be the hardest part of this entire year for me. There’s already enough pressure to be with someone over the holidays.So many movies, commercials, and stories are about love at Christmas and etc and etc. Someone you love to give presents to at Christmas. Someone to kiss at New Year’s. But then my birthday is a week after New Year’s and then in a month it’s Valentine’s. It’s the lonely heart’s gauntlet. Hahah.
I was doing a pretty good job, don’t you think? Funny posts, fun Christmas events at work, focusing on family and cooking. I didn’t need any extra reminders of anything else.
So why did Beautiful have to rock the boat. What about the holidays made her think it was okay, or acceptable, or warranted, or even remotely wanted, to hear from her. Why did she think I would care to know that she was in Philly, our city, with friends. Why would I have to see a picture she took of the mural garden that we had walked through so many times before, having our picture taken kissing under one of the arches, catching our reflection in the many mirrors throughout the exhibit and taking pictures.
One day, one message, one picture, and suddenly I have to inhabit this world again.
Just because it’s Christmas doesn’t mean we have to be greeting everyone or bringing up old memories. I’d been doing fairly god damn well handling the holidays with some appropriate cheer without dealing with the past.
The most generous and gracious thing I can say about Beautiful now is that I don’t care what she does with her life. I’ve walked away from all of this, all of that, all of her. Without sounding like too much of a jerk, I wish for my sake, she could do the same for me. I don’t care if her intentions are good.
In my perfect world, maybe she’d realize how she made me feel. Maybe we could both address and admit to our own faults. I would tell her how sorry I am for trying to pigeon hole her into my version of the life I always wanted with her. How I wish I could have had the maturity and patience and foresight to let go of how possessive I was of the past and love her and appreciate her for the woman she became. And maybe she could face me and I could hear from her how she stopped loving me way before our relationship actually ended. How she was sorry that she let me invest so much of myself in an impossible dream. How she should have freed me from the pain and insecurity of having to learn from a goddamn blog post, and how even when I confronted her, she couldn’t say a single word to me.
She could never say the most important words to me. So I’m sorry if I feel like she doesn’t have the right to say anything else either. I don’t want to hold onto anger. I don’t want to have to keep caring about this. She made the decision to walk away and not communicate the most important things. She shouldn’t feel like she can just keep messaging me like this. I don’t care that you’re in Philly with friends. I don’t care that you were at the Magic Gardens again and it reminded you of me. I don’t care that you wish my family a merry Christmas and hope we have a happy New Year.
Sorry to bring everyone down. I don’t have any right to be upset over the holidays. I’m just surprised and a bit disappointed that I still can’t handle this as well as I’d like. To be fair I never even really created any sort of plan for this. I had hoped that maybe we could be decent enough to each other to just never cross paths again. I thought the world, and she, could at least give me the least bit of tiny mercy and spare me the interaction.
I don’t even know what to do. Maybe I won’t even respond. Maybe my silence can get the message across that all I want from her is hers. Maybe I walk away, and after a year she’ll find this blog too and she can learn it all secondhand. That the day she messaged me and I ignored her was not because I didn’t care, but because I couldn’t convince myself not to care. Maybe I’ll say nothing to her, but my thoughts have already been taken over.
Man: 143 Loneliness: 29