Day 100: The Man and the Hundred Day Update

On a side note, I can’t believe it’s been 100 days!

Yes, it does mean that 100 days ago my relationship with Beautiful ended, and that was a very tough time for me emotionally. But it means so much more than just a timeline of heartbreak. I’ve been single and pretty happy and secure for 100 days. I’ve been writing for 100 days. At an average word count of about 1,000 words, that means I’ve written around 100,000 words! I don’t think I’ve ever written so much in such a consistent way over such a long period of time. They might not always be the best words but they’ve always been my words; genuine, authentic, purposeful words. For 100 days I have been moving ever forward and I’ve found my little niche in this enormous community where my words can find a home and even an audience. For 100 days I have been reflecting and learning and growing.

So I look at my M/L ratio so far, and I see I’ve had 80 days for Man and 20 days for Loneliness. That’s not too bad, I should think. If we break it down, it does still mean that I have a bummer day every 5 days. That’s still like, one or two a week depending. I don’t know if you’ve ever thought about it that way, but it’s interesting for me at least to think of the past three months in that way. Obviously it hasn’t been as consistent as just one a week. For the most part, the bad days came often times in a row. A slump to get over. It makes me wonder though at the end of the road, what my days will look like. I’ve never quantified them in this way. Thinking of how many good or bad days I’ve had to experience. I hope in the end I could say I had a bad day in every ten, or maybe even thirty days. I think that would be a very satisfying life.

What I have learned though is that my enemy was not who I thought it was. In the very beginning, Loneliness was the by-product of my breakup. I felt Loneliness in the void Beautiful left in my life. It was the bad reminder of good times long gone, like the charred remains after a house fire. I feared anything that would remind me of her or my relationship, so for a while I lived a shell of a life in isolated sanctuaries I knew she hadn’t yet entered. But I can’t live my life afraid of being burned by a fire that has already passed. So I moved on. Yet Loneliness remained. So I thought it was because I was without a relationship. But I have surrounded myself more now than ever with friends and family. I have been learning to cherish and appreciate these other relationships in my life. I could balance time with others and have time to myself to be alone but not lonely. So I have relationships right now to keep me happy and fulfilled. Yet, Loneliness remains. And now I’m beginning to see that I can sort of see the silhouette of what it is I feel so lonely for. This special, higher, much more intimate relationship. I’m beginning to reflect more on what it is I want in a relationship. I’m not just chasing the shadows of images confusing them for the real thing. I want to investigate the nature of what I want. And now those moments when Loneliness wins, it’s not so bad. It’s a bittersweet reminder of the intense feelings that come from being alive and having loved and having lost. Loneliness is the cloud from which there would otherwise be no silver lining.

I don’t know why but recently I’ve been on a serious binge of really sappy love songs on Spotify. I’d come into work and turn on my computer, log into Spotify, and almost immediately Celine Dion is playing. They don’t write love songs like they used to anymore. Celine Dion, Boz Skaggs, Lionel Richie, those love songs you feel in your heart versus your pelvis. Recently I’ve been having more dreams with these mysterious dream girls. Always different, never the same, never even someone I know. Just these various versions of what I’m looking for. Last night she had long hair and was short and we met in martial arts class. The other night she had short hair and had this pale skin like the full moon and she let me rest my head on her lap. I used to hate these dreams because I’d wake up and focus on not having these things but now I wake up and love how much I want them. I’m not gonna lie I’m almost itching to get back to dating. But I can see so much of the benefits of this time away that I don’t want to stop. There is value and worth in discretion and discipline. I knew it would be difficult and I knew I’d want to get back real soon but I thought it would be out of fear and desperation. Instead I find it’s out of excitement and enthusiasm and wonderful curiosity.

Beside the fact, I wouldn’t even know where to fit dating into my life again at this time. Hahah. What started as attempts to drive loneliness and fear and insecurity from my mind as distractions have become genuine interests and passions. My days are full of activity and growth. On Mondays and Thursdays I’m taking boxing classes. On Tuesdays, Wednesdays, and sometimes Fridays I am still going to martial arts. On Fridays if I’m not there I’m hanging out with friends or going out on my own. This Friday I’m seeing Kurios with a friend and her family. On Saturdays I am almost always either with friends or family. Sundays are my days to myself to rest and recuperate or to enjoy my own company doing the things that I love, fully comfortable on my own. I cook more. Next week I am planning a meal for my family and I can’t wait to cook and take pictures and moreover I can’t wait to share with you all a post I already have planned about what cooking has taught me about life. I am blogging now almost every single day and that takes up a good amount of time. Quality content doesn’t come easily or quickly and I’m still trying to find it. I’ve taken up archery. I even built my own target stand. I try to shoot 100 arrows a day to develop my muscle memory, my eyesight, and my instincts (no fancy equipment or sights here). I thought my life was defined by my relationships and that without it I would only be left with silence and thoughts. Instead I find that without a relationship to define me I am filling in the blanks with my own interests and values and spending my time defining myself for myself.

I won’t lie, I miss having someone though. I still fall ever so slightly in love with every beautiful woman who looks my way. But there’s no pressure to do anything about it. I’m not killing myself not having it. Just enjoying that rush and that feeling. I miss having someone’s hand to hold as I walk through the special and wonderful places and times of my life. I miss hearing sweet words directed at me. I miss a beautiful woman’s laughter right next to my ear. The unmistakable sugary flowery sweet smell of a woman’s perfume on my pillow. I miss the gaze of a woman who can see into my soul and see her world. I miss it because I want it. I refrain because I want to earn it. I write these clumsy words because I want to remember how to cherish it.

Day 100

Man: 80 Loneliness: 20

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17 thoughts on “Day 100: The Man and the Hundred Day Update

  1. i just love what you’re doing here. and how perfectly you phrase everything you say. it amazes me that you can write so much, riveting stuff, really, and have time for all the other time-intensive things you do. will we lose you when you start dating again? then we will all be your wp followers vs loneliness…and we won’t know how to do the math.

    Liked by 2 people

    • Thank you very much! That means a lot to me coming from the wiz of wordplay. I’m not entirely sure of how different the world will be when I start dating again but I am pretty sure that after devoting 365 days to this I could ever just walk away. So the writing will stay. After all it’s not like there’s a waiting list of eligible bachelorettes. So, as again, Loneliness remains. Hahah.

      Like

  2. I always love reading your blog. You have a way with words. I especially loved when you said, “love songs you feel in your heart versus your pelvis.” Haha. that’s virtually every song on the radio. 100 days of writing is a commitment that you should be proud of. Your blog shows that you don’t need someone to be happy, although there are days where are at our worse. It’s sad that this one day will come to an end. I hope you keep blogging, the WordPress community will miss you.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Love song duets used to be like, these beautiful song and dance pieces where they’d sing these incredibly uplifting words about each other and how they made each other feel. And they’d be up on stage and she’d be in this beautiful gown and he’d be in this suit and they’d sing and approach each other ever so slowly and touch hands and it was like, ‘oh my god these two singers might actually love each other’. I love Lionel Richie and Shania Twain doing Endless Love and and Barry Gibb and Celine Dion doing Immortality. I’m watching them and like, looking up the history to see if there’s anything there. Then I see Halsey and Chainsmokers do Closer on stage and I’m thinking ‘oh no, oh my god, are they going to have sex on stage’.
      Your words are really kind and such high praise! I don’t know if I’d be missed but I do know I’d miss writing and the community too much to just walk away. The experiment may end but I don’t think MvL will.

      Liked by 1 person

      • Omg… If I hear Closer by the Chainsmokers one more time, I’m going to scream. It’s like the radio stations have to play a song that everyone loves until everyone hates. I have always loved Shania Twain. “You’re Still the One” has always been my favorite of hers. So beautiful and full of emotion. I also love Celine Dion, I wanted to see here perform here, but I’m not quite sure she still has a show considering her husband just passed away. I don’t have favorite song of hers, she’s got so many good ones. Such a haunting voice, kind of like Enya.

        Liked by 1 person

  3. Congratulations! I am looking forward to the 365th! You never disappoint, really. From all sort; advice, funny stuff, and interesting topics like meditation and praise. I am still waiting for you to get WB, though. Hahaha!

    Liked by 1 person

  4. so that’s the story of the writing challenge. it’a feat. it’s a working progress, too, i guess. at least, you have turned the thing into something that will get you away from the gloom. i can’t blame anyone who wallows in pity and sadness after a heartbreaking separation. after all, an emotional investment is still an investment that anyone will take in hard if something goes bad with it.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Welcome to the real beginning of the journey! I enjoyed reading your post the past 100 days (even though i’m responding late) and its wonderful that you were able to work through so much and discover things about yourself you’d buried under relationships! Surprisingly when we are left alone with our thoughts…we find that there is so much there, are thoughts are endless convoluted passageways that are fantastic to explore, and I hope you continue sharing yours with us!! From a bystanders perspective it definitely seems like Man won over Loneliness.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Man is winning, let’s say that. Hahah. The craziness of NaNoWriMo is keeping me focused and inspired and positive. But as soon as the chaos of it is over, I’m thinking there’s Christmas, New Year’s, my birthday, Valentine’s, all these holidays that are gonna put a strain on the single-folk. I know I want to write about that. But yes, I thought I’d find very quickly that I would be left wanting for things to write but I have a whole backlog of thoughts and things that I just can’t wait to share. Glad you’ve found my writing along the way and have enjoyed reading and provided all your insights. Thanks so much.

      Liked by 1 person

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