‘When envoys are sent with compliments in their mouths, it is a sign that the enemy wishes for a truce’
So yesterday we discussed the importance and necessity of honest praise in our lives, both giving praise and receiving praise. Though we may have our own personal barriers or obstacles to the road of becoming effective praisers, we cannot deny the myriad benefits. Genuine praise can, at its greatest, affect the path of a person’s life. It could be the gap between fear of failure and the satisfaction of achievement. It can dramatically alter a person’s self-image and even at its very basest, it can at the least make someone’s day better. Praise also changes our mindset, turning us into more positive people who focus on the best of others. This makes us happier, more charismatic, and increases our circle of influence and friendship. When we praise someone we are engaging in celebrating the very best of our qualities and promoting the kind of world we want to live in through positive reinforcement.
But, these benefits can only come from genuine and sincere praise delivered effectively and personally. Empty praise on the other hand, either undeserved, vague, or with hidden agenda, given at the wrong time or in the wrong manner, can be absolutely destructive. It creates mistrust between you and the other person and it can actually devalue their contribution, skills, or qualities. It is important, therefore, to be mindful and practice how we give praise. Today’s post in my series on praise will discuss what we should keep in mind when giving praise and how to deliver our message of positivity.
Opportunities to give praise abound so we are never short of practice material. We can praise our friends, our family, coworkers, and even complete strangers. When we give generously we receive generously in return and often you will find that as you increase your practice, more opportunities will arise because you will naturally draw more people to you by exuding that positivity in your mindset, actions, and behavior.
How to Find Opportunities for Praise
The first step might be the hardest of all. We have to begin to reprogram our minds to stop focusing too much on the negative. As mentioned this is a remnant of our ancestors’ survival instincts to isolate and commemorate negative experiences so as to prevent them from repeating. The best way to avoid this is to be fully aware and mindful when we are with others. Observe as much as you can as sharply as you can without passing judgement on what you see. You will begin to see so much more positivity in the world and you’ll easily find something to praise someone on if you just look a bit more earnestly.
Think of how the people around you affect you in a positive way. We might not always be able to find something specific about a person to compliment. However, we can think of how our day has been affected by their presence. If someone’s cheerful greeting each morning when you go in to work helps put you in the right mindset to tackle the day, let them know! If you look forward to working with a particular coworker because of their diligence and attention to detail, what better way to ensure this continued positive behavior than with some encouragement in the form of praise. When we focus on positive traits we reinforce them in the people around us and promote them both internally and externally. It speaks not only to the character of the one displaying the trait but also in the person honoring it. When we think this way we are reflecting on what qualities and traits we desire and admire, which in turn can help us become better people as well.
Remember to speak up. I would like to believe that the world is not as stingy with praise as we may seem, and that we do in fact notice every day plenty of wonderful and positive things to recognize in our fellow man. But maybe we are a bit too tongue-tied to express these praises. There could be a couple reasons why we may hesitate to vocalize our thoughts. Shyness could certainly be a factor. Cultural repression. Long-term relationships are often guilty of this as well. If we focus first on complimenting even the small things to those who are closest to us, we can slowly become more comfortable with offering praise to others. And remember that the things that add up to your day with someone special are often not simply coincidence. Your date may look a certain way because they know your preferences and wanted to look their best for you. Maybe there’s a special reason that you failed to notice for why it seems to always be your favorite food for dinner whenever you’re feeling particularly down. Someone cares for you and is trying to anticipate your wants and needs as a sign of affection. Take the initiative and let them know you notice and care and appreciate it before they even have to ask.
Realize that the person being praised and the person you are speaking to do not necessarily need to be the same. Sometimes we may find opportunities to praise others when they are not around. For example if a friend helps you move into a new place and, at your housewarming, guests admire and appreciate how nice everything looks, do not hesitate to let them know what a great help your friend was. Now there are three benefits in this exchange. The first is that you are again taking the time to notice positivity in your world and sharing it with others. For the person being praised, if you were to tell them this later on, it shows that you so admired and appreciated their contribution that you are still mindful of it and happy to share with others. For the person who heard of your friend’s help, it shows them that you are someone who can recognize good in others and it may inspire them to do the same. Plus they’ve now found a new moving helper. Another way ‘indirect praise’ could benefit others is in giving us an opportunity to speak about others that isn’t idle gossip or harmful rumors. Look I get it. The truth is we love talking about other people. But we are already surrounded by enough gossip and tabloid trash that we forget that we can also do this in a positive way. If we must think of others and speak of them, perhaps we can rewire our negative minds to share the stories that inspire and motivate us versus those that just bring others down. You could even work as messenger and spread praise you hear from others about the person. Perhaps during a meeting you hear your boss praise a fellow coworker’s contributions who happened to not be in the meeting. Imagine how appreciative and motivated they would feel to later on hear from you that they were positively mentioned in the meeting. Praise doesn’t necessarily have to always originate from you but you should still be a messenger of positivity.
How to Give Praise
Now that you’ve conditioned yourself to not only find things to praise others on but to recognize appropriate opportunities to do so, it is time to practice your delivery.
When offering someone praise, try to keep these certain things in mind.
- Their name
- The specific thing you saw them do, where, and when
- To be sincere
If we can attach our words of praise to them personally, it certainly carries much more weight and significance. To say ‘hey guy, great job in the meeting today’ isn’t quite the same as ‘hey Jim, great job in the meeting today’. Remembering someone’s name makes us seem more personable and genuine and attaches the praise very specifically to them. It is also a sign of respect and acknowledgement. You recognize their contribution and you respect them enough to learn their name and go out of your way to let them know what they did that you particularly appreciated.
If praise is not specific, it can seem insincere, and if the praise is sincere, you should know what to say to be specific. The relationship between these two aspects is inseparable. Forcing yourself to be recall as specifically as possible what it is you want to praise helps you remain sincere in your efforts. It could be too easy to simply say ‘oh you look nice today’ but this carries no specificity, no meaning, no sincerity. If however, you particularly appreciate how the red dress draws attention to your date’s lips, or perhaps how her hair seems to be made of angel’s threads, by jove let her know that specifically. Remember that some people may have difficulty accepting praise as much as giving praise but a genuine and sincere compliment is much easier to swallow because they know and believe what you say.
If at all possible, try to attach a particular quality, characteristic, or trait that you admire to the action you are praising. For example, if you would like to praise a coworker on how well they handled the meeting because they displayed strong leadership, add that to your praise. Let them know what it is that spoke to you on a value level. Perhaps your coworker never saw himself as a leader but your praise, attached to a specific quality and action displayed during the meeting, may be all he needed to cement that into himself. This again strengthens positive qualities not only in the people around you but in yourself as well. Similarly, by recognizing that you are someone who admires leadership, you are telling others that you are someone who may possess that quality as well. After all, it takes one to know one!
One last piece of advice, while generous praise is certainly an admirable trait and act of positivity, try to remain reasonable and sensible. Do not praise simply for the sake of praise. Giving a compliment to someone who does not deserve it could make you look insincere and could make them feel even worse about themselves. Giving a compliment that doesn’t make sense could just make you look weird. I get that we want to be unique and want to make sure that our praise sticks out, but no need to get too crazy original. Telling someone you admire how they slice a steak could give you some sideways looks. Telling someone you like how they sleep could make you seem like a creep. Telling them you like how they stroke their kitty will definitely get you kicked between the legs. So you know, praise with discretion and at your own risk.
Man: 78 Loneliness: 20