She wrote to me today. Wanting to know whether or not I had already canceled the tickets for our trip to California.
I wanted to scream ‘YES!’
‘After I licked the wounds you left me and picked up the pieces of all my shattered hopes and dreams it was one of the first things I did for myself.’
I wanted to tell her ‘Of course I did!’
‘I am slowly and painfully learning to rewire and reprogram my thoughts and desires to not be of you. To realize that you are bad for me. And every day I held onto these tickets, like clinging onto a sinking boat, thinking about this trip, about what it could have meant.’
I wanted to let her know ‘You and I will never go on this trip.’
‘I don’t want or need your pity. I let go of these tickets like I have let go of any hope of you or us. There is a very significant part of me that still, if you had only asked, would have jumped on that plane with you. But that part is getting smaller and smaller and the part of me that will love again is growing and spreading and will one day completely take over.’
I wanted to say ‘I plan on using my share to take myself on a trip instead.’
‘I have my own wants and dreams that do not need to be supplemented by yours. There is a world all my own that I love and can explore. I once thought you robbed me of my partner, my best friend, my travel companion, and my opportunity for adventure. But I am learning to do all that with myself and those that love me. I have no time for taking you on your adventures.’
But even still this would have been too much.
Words are precious commodities, and I have not enough to spare. I am tired of writing beautiful things for people who do not care about me. I eagerly await the day I am strong enough to write my last lines of her.
So instead I wrote ‘Yes, and you can claim your half up to a year later with the confirmation code I sent you.’
She will never know how many words I keep writing to her. And she will never know the amount of effort and strength it took to keep it from her, or why it was so important for my future self that I do.
Man: 28 Loneliness: 16