It’s midnight now, technically day 6, and I had a day 5 entry planned already, but real life doesn’t always go according to plan, and I thought that a live story would actually be pretty interesting versus a planned entry.
So here’s how the day was supposed to go:
I wake up at 10 with my family. I had to move my car because I was blocking my brother and he was supposed to bring my mother to one of the family stores. Meanwhile I would use the early wake up as an opportunity to head to the gym. Then I would go across the street from the gym to my old workplace…and have them cancel the flight I had booked with Her. We were going to California in August. I wanted to take Her to Disney Land since She was such a big Disney fan and then we would spend a couple nights in Huntington Beach.
I didn’t go to the gym.
I didn’t cancel the flights.
I didn’t tell the hotel I would be cancelling my reservation.
I stayed in. I was self-indulgent, lazy, and scared. It didn’t help. What fleeting feeling of relief and pleasure for not going to the gym and toiling away and working at improving myself and suffering through cardio was quickly replaced by guilt and self-loathing. I didn’t move forward today. I’m not better than I was yesterday. I stayed home and felt bad about who I was and how I looked and how I felt and how I chose momentary comfort and leisure over permanent change and improvement. I watched Vikings on DVR and wished to be like the warriors on TV. I couldn’t go to my old workplace and face my former colleagues. They were there when She and I got back together and they were so happy for me and they liked Her so much. Well they didn’t exactly know much about Her but they did know She made me happy and that was enough for them. I’m not ready to talk about it beyond my friends and family. I am thankful for the small mercy that we never really made any big announcements or gestures on social media so I hope that the sudden disappearance of what little activity there was to begin with serves as the death bell. For some reason, there was a part of me that wasn’t ready to face today. And I think it had to do with the second half.
The afternoon plan was I was headed to the home of one of my best friends. To meet his new girlfriend. We were gonna get a chance to get to know her while playing some board games, grab some dinner, then watch the fireworks at one of the local towns nearby. The day I let my friends know about the breakup was the same day he let us know about his new belle. God bless him, to his credit he mentioned that he felt awkward bringing up such happy news when we were all talking that late night and I lamented the end of something I had been hoping for for six
years. He said that if I were really distraught and upset he would have spared me and saved the news for another time. But I was optimistic, I believed that I was okay and that being single would do me some good. And I still believe it for the most part, and no words can say how proud I am of my friend for putting himself out there for the first time and how happy I am he has someone.
I was a bit worried I’d feel like a third wheel. I was glad that my other friends, equally shocked at my friend’s announcement, all changed their plans just to meet this mystery girl and verify she was real. But even then…why should we feel like ‘third wheel’s? How is it we stop existing as an individual entity just because those around us are part of something else? No one describes a group of friends hanging out as a ‘bunch of wheels’. But the moment two are in a relationship, the rest seem to lose their individuality as well. I am not a third wheel. YOU are not a third wheel. WE are not third wheels simply because the people we are with have found their partners. We don’t just lose the ability to be happy with ourselves. Yet there I was, surrounded by friends and my friend’s pretty new girlfriend, and I felt incomplete. There were times when I couldn’t find it in me to participate, but luckily the entire night I was for the most part the jovial, sharp-witted, humorous entertainer and storyteller I pride myself in being. I know, or I hope, that one day I could be single and with others in relationships and not feel less than them or less than the person I was before in their presence. But tonight there were times when I just couldn’t handle it, and there was a crippling fear and insecurity and doubt in the back of my throat, choking me. I believe part of being #committedlysingle has to be the ability to exist confidently and comfortable around people in relationships and not worry or feel insecure or less than whole because of it. Again probably a practical skill many already possess. But not all. Some of us, that’s something we have to work on.
It didn’t help that my other friend also insisted on streaming a video of a college acquaintance’s wedding. One that I know She was in attendance for. So there’s a double whammy. A) a reminder of Her and B) one more person who I feel is more whole than me.
I shouldn’t live like this. None of us should. We deserve more. We deserve to feel whole on our own. And we’re working on it.
The fireworks were pretty great though. We got there early enough for front row seats. Damn fine show.
Man: 4 Loneliness: 1