So I want to clarify a few things. I know, and I would be remiss to acknowledge, that I am not alone. I have a loving family. Both my parents are still alive and together, and my younger brother and I are very close. I have my very small, intimate group of friends (‘The Man and the Crew’ coming soon!) that I have known since elementary school. I can’t exaggerate my situation or minimize the reality that when I look around me, I do have people. I’m not alone. What I feel, and what I believe many of you who have been in relationships and can relate to, is lonely. You know how we are. There are people like us who just…hold back, reserve a portion of ourselves, for relationships. Perhaps this is something else I need to work on. To learn to live fully and not hold back, waiting for a relationship to live the life I want to live in the way I want to live it. Who wants to be with someone who hasn’t been themselves? And that’s a lot of pressure to place on someone else isn’t it. ‘I have been waiting to be with you in order to do everything I’ve ever wanted and now that I am, I can finally be complete.’. Nah, you wouldn’t want that burden either.
Most of my friends save one have never been in relationships. Even then, as of right now none of them have any interest in dating in the future. My younger brother has also spared himself the beautiful agony of it all. My parents never dated anyone other than each other. So at night, when the feelings are at its worst, when in the dead silence my mind races and I think of her, of them, of all the hers of my past, of the future, of my fears, I don’t have a place to put my words. Before now, until I started this outlet, I’ve never let those words or thoughts leave me. They sat in my head, bubbling.
I’ve always actually been a very solitary person. To be honest I enjoy, sometimes crave, my alone time. I am by nature an introvert. I am comfortable eating by myself. Going to the movies by myself. Concerts. I’ve done it all before and I’m sure I could do it again. Could I be the life of the party if I wanted? Absolutely. I can joke and tell stories and entertain and keep up with the best of them. But the next day you’ll most likely find me catatonic, unresponsive, dangerously deep into my video games with no indication of coming back to the light. I think what made a lot of this okay was that I always thought of it as a temporary situation, an ‘alonehood’ that would eventually b
e replaced by a ‘togetherhood’ that I would never lose. I never really considered being ‘alone’ as a permanent status. Far from being okay with this concept, I never even really sat down with myself and took the time to look within myself and understand what that would even mean. The implications.
But now because of this experiment I am committed to being alone. Not forever, but for a year, promising myself to not go chasing again. To not go wanting again. I want to experience the emotions, insecurities, comforts, whatever may come from being in this situation that I’ve worked so hard to avoid. I know I’m not alone. But I feel lonely. Can I be alone and not feel lonely? I have 363 days left to find out.